Friday, February 25, 2011

Red Dress Club: Free to Good Home!

PLEASE NOTE: This post is a JOKE.  It was written as part of The Red Dress Club weekly prompt, which asked us to imagine that we just had a fight with someone and decided to get even by disposing of some of their stuff. The task was to write a humorous listing for eBay or Craigslist and talk about the history of the item and why it must go in under 600 words.


After putting up with the trials and tribulations of motherhood and housewifery, I’ve decided that I need a total change in my life and career choice. I’m donning my pirate hat to embark on a worldwide trek to pillage, plunder, and seek out buried treasure. As this new venture might be quite dangerous and will cause me to move from place to place frequently with nothing but the clothes on my back and cutlass swinging from my hip, my last act of goodwill in the world is to find a new home for my husband and daughter.


Husband is in late 20’s, good health, very few behavioral problems. He does fart a lot, but a change in diet should fix that. He’s sweet, very social, and handsome to boot. He’s 6’0” even, has dark hair, hazel eyes, and weighs 185 pounds. He’s usually pretty good about cleaning up after himself, but you may need to stay on top of him every once in awhile. He’s also very creative and loves to show his affection by writing poetry, bringing home books, and giving back rubs. The husband is very laid back and spends his spare time reading, dinking on the internet, and listening to music. He can be very adventurous and will keep you on your toes with his latest ventures.

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Daughter just turned three and is up to date on her shots, also in good health.; She’s a little over 3” tall, has long strawberry blonde hair, blue-gray eyes, and about 40 pounds. She’s very energetic and spirited, so an owner with lots of time and energy to spare is a must! She’s mostly potty trained (still wear pull ups at night), is very intelligent, and has quite the vocabulary. Some examples: “two minits, Mommy”, “Mommy, stay here. Be rye back!”, “NOOOO!”, and “I want Scoo-dee Snacks!” She is very affectionate and quite the ham. She loves chasing laser pointers, climbing things, and playing on the playscape at Burger King after a rousing shopping trip at Target.

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Ideally, they’ll go to a good home as a pair, but I’m open to different arrangements. If you’re willing to take them both, I will also throw in my intelligence-challenged cat, Snack. She’s small, gray, fuzzy, and very lovable. Plus, she’s easy to take care of.

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Location: Austin, TX
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

12 comments:

  1. I can't explain how happy I am that you posted a pirate photo of yourself to go with your listing.

    Since your daughter likes Target, I think I might be able to make room for her here, but I can't take your husband, as polygamy is strictly frowned upon here*

    *This comment is ALSO a joke. We are not bartering for family members :)

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  2. That picture of you as the pirate is hysterical. And I don't even know you.

    Your daughter is stinkin' adorable. If i didn't have one of my own, I might have to take her. ;)

    p.s. Please consider turning off word verification for comments. A puppy's life depends upon it! ;)

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  3. I love the pirate picture! And I home you can get someone to take the group together...

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  4. I love the pirate picture!!! And um...the change of diet bit? Totally cracked me up.

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  5. Avast ye scurvy dawg! Happy plundering! Great post!

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  6. hilarious!!! I love the pirate-speak and the fantastic picture!

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  7. Hey! (waves to you from down the road) Another local!

    I love the pirate costume! And that baby girl, what a cutie.

    Your husband gives massages? I'm thinking stowaway required...

    Hmm.. I think we might visit the same Burger King... Does she handle being tackled well, because that's my son's favorite pastime with his little sister...

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  8. I love the pirate costume! If the intelligence-challenged cat also likes to chase laser pointers, you might have a deal.

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  9. How happy am I that I clicked over here? Funny with a side of pirate photos!

    Is it weird that my favorite discovery in this was that you have a cat named Snack?

    I used to have an imaginary gecko named Snack.

    In college.

    What?

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  10. Hello writing partner :) I figured if we were going to be hooked up, I should see what sort of stuff you wrote.

    If you are willing to split them, I'll take the 3 yo. She would make a lovely addition to my 4.5 and 2.5 yo girls :) Does she like kittens?

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  11. Oy, so funny Kelly! Though, I'm not in the market for either at the moment. I have my own farty husband and kiddos to manage.

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