PLEASE NOTE: This post is a JOKE. It was written as part of The Red Dress Club weekly prompt, which asked us to imagine that we just had a fight with someone and decided to get even by disposing of some of their stuff. The task was to write a humorous listing for eBay or Craigslist and talk about the history of the item and why it must go in under 600 words.
After putting up with the trials and tribulations of motherhood and housewifery, I’ve decided that I need a total change in my life and career choice. I’m donning my pirate hat to embark on a worldwide trek to pillage, plunder, and seek out buried treasure. As this new venture might be quite dangerous and will cause me to move from place to place frequently with nothing but the clothes on my back and cutlass swinging from my hip, my last act of goodwill in the world is to find a new home for my husband and daughter.
Husband is in late 20’s, good health, very few behavioral problems. He does fart a lot, but a change in diet should fix that. He’s sweet, very social, and handsome to boot. He’s 6’0” even, has dark hair, hazel eyes, and weighs 185 pounds. He’s usually pretty good about cleaning up after himself, but you may need to stay on top of him every once in awhile. He’s also very creative and loves to show his affection by writing poetry, bringing home books, and giving back rubs. The husband is very laid back and spends his spare time reading, dinking on the internet, and listening to music. He can be very adventurous and will keep you on your toes with his latest ventures.
Daughter just turned three and is up to date on her shots, also in good health.; She’s a little over 3” tall, has long strawberry blonde hair, blue-gray eyes, and about 40 pounds. She’s very energetic and spirited, so an owner with lots of time and energy to spare is a must! She’s mostly potty trained (still wear pull ups at night), is very intelligent, and has quite the vocabulary. Some examples: “two minits, Mommy”, “Mommy, stay here. Be rye back!”, “NOOOO!”, and “I want Scoo-dee Snacks!” She is very affectionate and quite the ham. She loves chasing laser pointers, climbing things, and playing on the playscape at Burger King after a rousing shopping trip at Target.
Ideally, they’ll go to a good home as a pair, but I’m open to different arrangements. If you’re willing to take them both, I will also throw in my intelligence-challenged cat, Snack. She’s small, gray, fuzzy, and very lovable. Plus, she’s easy to take care of.
Location: Austin, TX
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