Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Billa Babble & a Parenting Paroxysm: Supermarket Sorry

So we're at the grocery store (aka "food store") and Billa was beginning to act up and run off farther than we liked.  So Michael scooped her up and proceeded to carry a forty pound squirming toddler through the store.  After awhile his arms got tired, so I switched with him.  Billa somehow figured (and rightfully so) that Mommy was considerably weaker than Daddy and pushed against me, but I held strong.  She then proceeded to hit me in the face with her sippy cup.  I then proceeded to have a mother of the year moment where I promptly smacked her butt and told her that we didn't hit people.  Yeah, I know.  Sheer parenting genius, right?

Anyway, as we're on our way home, Billa is in the back seat and she suddenly annoounces, "My cheek hurts."
"So does mine from where you clocked it with your cup," I pithily reply.
"I sowwy," is the response from the back seat,  "I sowwy, Mama!"
"Tell her thank you," Michael whispers.
"Thank you, Billa.  Apology accepted!"

Now this begs the question...just how much does my daughter REALLY understand and pretends otherwise?  Either way, it was a pretty funny moment!


Friday, September 24, 2010


There's so much going on in my life right now that I couldn't think of anything as a good title for this post.  Between moving and counseling and everything else, it's been all I can do some days to actually manage to wear matching socks (which really shouldn't be that hard considering all I own are white socks!).  I'm just so easily distracted by a lot, mostly moving related stuff.  Billa and I move into our smaller apartment on Sunday afternoon and I've been panicking about it.  At least I got confirmation from one other person in the apartment office that they will let me have my keys a little bit early on Sunday, so that was good news.  Now if I can just guarantee my moving crew I'll be happier!  I wish I had the extra cash to just hire a moving company, but things are tight right now, so I have to watch every penny.  Michael left his job about three weeks ago and has been looking for something new since, but despite a couple of interviews, there's not much out there apparently.  It makes me more thankful for my job!

In other news, Michael came back from a trip to Colorado earlier this month with news that he wanted to go to counseling together with the goal of reconciling our marriage.  When he made the decision to go on this trip, he told me that he felt he should take advantage of the opportunity since he had no work obligations and he wasn't having to pay for it.  I was very angry with him, because it meant that Billa would miss out on seeing her Daddy for almost a week and a half. (Ok, and because I was a frazzled mess and really needed a vacation from everything.  I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of my pissyness was because I really wanted to go to CO too!)

We had ourselves a little "come to Jesus" meeting the night before he left.  I told him that he was going to take Billa for six days when he got back so that he could have some perspective on what it was like to walk in my shoes.  He wasn't exactly pleased with my decision and it was then that I laid out all the dirty laundry for him, explaining how was self-serving, self-centered, and selfish.  I told him that everyone was an afterthought to him, and that his daughter was a trophy to him.  He could treat me however he wanted, but he damn well wasn't going to treat his little girl as secondary to his own desires and wants.  She should be the center of your world, I told him.  You're a father.  It's time to man up and be responsible.  How do you want her to remember you? I asked him.

I can honestly say that when I spoke to him that night, it didn't feel like me.  This person was calm, precise, and to the point.  I tore him down and probably could have continued to tear him down even more, but I didn't.  I truly believe that Michael can be a great man and I made sure he knew that.  Change or die, I told him.  You have the choice to make something out of your life, or lose everything that is worth something to you. 

I don't know if it was the come to Jesus meeting or if something happened on that mountainside in Colorado, but whatever it was, something got through I guess.  He came back from Colorado with an action item list and his first one was to find us a counselor.  Within two days he was calling me at work asking if a certain day and time was ok for an appointment that he was setting up!  He's been incredibly helpful in preparing Billa and I for the move this weekend, and he's been stepping up in terms of spending time with her.  On more than one occasion he has taken her for an overnight without my asking him to.   And we've both noticed that Billa's behaviour has greatly improved as a result of balanced involvement from us.

Now, I know that a lot of my friends and family members are concerned with Michael and I giving reconciliation a shot and rightly so.  Our relationship has been rocky for some time and Michael hasn't been the perfect husband.  But I'd be a terrible person if I didn't accept culpability for my part in it.  I haven't been the best possible wife.  I think a lot of my friends feel that I should cut my losses and move on with the divorce, but the truth is, I love Michael very much.  I meant it when I said "for better or for worse" and I don't feel that I can be a genuine person if I didn't honor that commitment by at least giving reconciliation a shot. 

Being separated has opened my eyes to a lot of things, and one of those things is that life is a far cry from black and white.  There is no cut and dry version of life in existence.  For myself, to throw everything out the window when my husband is willing to put forth effort to rebuild the foundation of our marriage into something stronger, it doesn't sit well with me.  I don't think I could live the rest of my life with that sitting in my heart.  Some people will (and do) tell me that I'm not thinking straight.  To them I say, "Bite me!"  When you've walked through my shoes a few miles, when you've experienced heartache, brokenness, and pain on a level you never thought possible and then alternately experienced moments of pure joy and bliss when you thought you'd never see the dark side of happiness again, when you've had your whole world come tumbling down and slowly worked to rebuild it back up piece by piece, when you've taken time to turn the microscope inward and see your own shortcomings and accept them and yourself for who and what you are, and when you've come to terms with your faith and your God (or whatever higher power you answer to...I believe the ways are many, the light is one), then you come talk to me about what you think the best option is.  I guarantee you, it won't be an easy choice to make. 

But it is a choice that I've thought long and hard on, prayed a good long while on, and talked to lots of therapists, friends, and family on.  And I have decided to give Michael a second chance.  If I were in his shoes, wouldn't I want a second chance?  I believe people can change for the better if they choose to.  It won't happen overnight, and it won't be easy, but it's possible.  Anything is possible.  My friend Caroline once told me that even if Michael and I got back together, that the idea I held in my mind of "us" and our marriage would never be the same.  The more I think about that sage piece of advice, I DON'T want my marriage to be like it was.  I want it to be better and stronger and more loving.  I DON'T want the old "us" and I sure as hell don't want the old me.  I think about that girl and what she was like and all I can think is, "I wouldn't want to be married to her!"  That's a hard thing to admit, but there it is. 

We're still remaining separated for now, and I'm moving forward with my plan of getting myself to a better place emotionally, mentally, spiritually and personally.  I'm continuing to see my therapist and we go to counseling together once a week.   Michael is going through the same process too.  I haven't set any deadlines, as I think that would be detrimental to the process.  If either one of us will sincerely change, then it has be an organic process.  That's not to say that I'm going to wait three years, but I think after a few months of hardship we will both have an idea of whether there is any progress being made or not. 

Wow, that was a lot more than I intended on sharing, but I'm not going to go back and change it.  I think I would do myself and the little progress I've made the last two months a huge disservice.  I won't be something that I'm not.  I can't photoshop myself IRL (but if I ever figure out how, you can betcher ass I'll share that secret...after I've made my million bucks off it, lol) and I shouldn't edit myself too heavily when I write.  Sometimes the best things in life are unedited.

Ah, now that's a post title worth considering..."Unedited"

On that note, I bid you all good night!  Moving in less than 48 hours!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Boxes, boxes everywhere!

Today was Labor Day and I definitely labored! 

Billa and I spent a lazy morning at home; I made her chocolate milk for the first time and she was in L-O-V-E!  Myself I enjoyed a Starbucks Dark Chocolate Frappucino and it was muy delicioso.  Definitely cheaper than actually buying a latte every morning, which I shamefully admit to doing every morning last week.  I don't normally do that mind you, but before I knew it, the gals at the front were cheerfully greeting me with, "Hi Kelly!  Tall nonfat hazelnut latte with two pumps this morning?"  Ok, well not quite, but they did recognize me and they weren't giving me funny looks when I asked for only two pumps anymore.  I knew I needed to change that STAT!

After our lazy morning, we gassed up and then hit Le Target to get some Goo Gone and boxes.  They didn't have either.  Thus began the Saga of the Box Search for the next two hours as I literally drove by every dumpster in the Sunset Valley area trying to find smallish boxes.  It had rained that morning and the majority of the dumpsters had been emptied over the weekend so pickings were incredibly slim.  After only finding five boxes worth salvaging, I finally said 'screw it' and went to Lowe's to buy $7 worth.  Yes, I probably should have done that in the first place since all that driving around most likely  cost me more than the actual boxes themselves.  At least Billa got a nap though!  That's what I call a fuzzy logic win-win :o)

I spent the rest of the afternoon packing, with a little snooze in between and Billa brushed up on some Wonder Pets, which is now available on instant watch through Netflix.  Hooray Netflix!  Now that's what I call team work!  After all of the books are packed (and I do mean ALL of them...we have a lot), most of my baking pans, and the dining room, I am exhausted.  I've decided I have definitely earned myself a wine and movie break.  This evening's feature is the Spiderwick Chronicles!

I am proud of myself for getting this much packing done!  We move in T-minus 20 days, and I just signed the lease last Friday, so I gotta get a move on with my packing so I can get my move on...I'll stop while I'm ahead!


A Season of Change..

Hi everyone,

It's been almost two months since I posted last.  A lot has happened in those two months, the biggest thing being that Michael and I are currently separated.  Sybilla and I are readying ourselves for moving into a new apartment (smaller than our current space) in about three weeks.  It's been a very rough two months, but we are slowly moving forward, one baby step at a time.

Over the past two months, I debated about posting the news on the blog.  On the one hand I didn't want to share with the world that I was a failure and couldn't keep my marriage together, but on the other, I love blogging and writing.  At this point, enough time has gone by that I feel I can safely post about things.  In addition to that, I've decided that this blog is going to take a different tack now.

For a long time I've wanted to make this blog a bit more personal and more in line with who I am.  I always hated the fact that I felt like I couldn't truly be myself while I blogged or on Facebook.  It feels like living a lie.  Don't get me wrong; I'm not going to start posting long diatribes against people or things.  I just want to be able to share more things, like my interests, what's happening in our lives, and maybe some of my writing.  I started Lapiz de le Guerra with the intention on sharing family news and pictures about my daughter as she grew, and I've done that.  But it felt very flat and one-dimensional and as we all know, life is anything but!

There will be some changes coming to the blog soon.  I plan on continuing the pictures and the stories and features about Sybilla, but I will also be sharing some of the things I love, like cooking, crafting, interior design, writing, gardening, and the creative arts.  Lapiz de la Guerra will still be mostly family friendly (Yes, I swear.  I'm working on reducing it, but it's still a part of who I am!) and I don't plan on using it as a forum to bash people.  I might complain every once in awhile, but there it is.  I ain't perfect, ya know! 

Thanks in advance for stopping by.  I have no idea what lies ahead, but know that you'll be in good company on this crazy ride!



Blog Widget by LinkWithin